Shubhee Gandhi

Grade: 12

Hathaway Brown School

Instructor: Elizabeth Armstrong

The Frankenstein Guide on How (Not) to Raise Children

Humor

The Frankenstein Guide on How (Not) to Raise Children

First acknowledge that babies are literal terrors. They cry, cry, and cry some more, execute bodily functions, disturb sleep, and not much else. Did I mention the crying? However, they are not evil. I would even go so far as to argue they are inherently good, as they have minimal societal standards or ideas of violence entering their highly impressionable minds.

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Names
Due to this, they should not be referred to as "fiend" or "wretch," though "daemon" or "terror" might be fair. In fact, they should be given names in addition to whatever heartwarming nicknames one chooses, so as to avoid said child being referred to as "Frankie's creation," or people getting mixed up and thinking the child's name is the parent's name, and said child being given the unfortunate name of Frankie. On a similar subject of names, refrain from giving the child the name of everyday objects. No one wants to be named Hamburger or Ketchup. In fact, it would most likely be a sore point for the rest of their lives. Nobody said revenge couldn't start from soon after birth.

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Revenge
On the topic of revenge, a baby is not the person you want to have a grudge on you. They have ample time to learn everything about you, innocently figure out your social security and credit card numbers, assume your identity and destroy your life. You know, all that good stuff. On a more serious note, they do learn important information about you, such as the things you care for and value the most. Should you somehow do something to make the child declare war on you…

You know what'll be the first thing to go.

And let's not just talk about you. Humans exist as a species. And suffer as a species. While people generally don't declare war on all humans, being humans themselves, you never know. They might actually be from the species Homo vindicta or just get fed up and declare themselves a member of Homo revengus. Not really. But in general it is best not to make the newest generation hate you.

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Children are not Evil
Asides from all talks of war on the species, on first seeing the child, one should not initially assume evil intentions. Even if they are covered in blood, which all babies are at birth, they did not magically kill someone in the womb. If they reach out towards you, they are most likely not trying to grab and murder you. Similarly, should they mumble a few incoherent noises and grin they are still not attempting premeditated murder. Should you somehow think it is an attempt at homicide, you are incorrect. Because of this, kindly do not run away screaming and abandon the child, it's frowned upon in all 50 states, and other countries as well.

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Marriage
While this is not meant to contain romantic advice, please reconsider before marrying your child or having your friend marry your child. The problem with the former comes in one word, namely, incest (even if the Greeks seem to have it down to an art). Incest is known to cause cognitive and physical defects; if you don't want to look up what that means just look up an image of the Hapsburgs. While avoiding incest, perhaps it is not best to have your child marry their cousin, or any relative. While it may be appealing to get a whole complex named after you like Oedipus, it is generally not the best way to be known throughout history. In fact, it is generally best to avoid being known for gouging your eyes out, being a tyrant, or marrying your mother. But hey, whatever you prefer. Also, maybe don't have your friend marry your child. It is 100% encouraged by society. Not.

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Society and Normality
And with that, next up is society as a whole. It's a ball. On revision, it makes you want to bawl. Your child has to face this whole messed up hole of humans, armed with only what you may or may not have taught them. Do you want to give your child a free for all, let them learn forgotten and incorrect practices like Cornelius Agrippa. Go ahead and let them join the 16th century. But while the child may be stuck in the 16th century with ideas of godhood on their minds, everyone else is up here, in the 20th century. Definitely not also behind a century or two. But when your child is taught things they disagree with, here is the key: they must be able to accept alternatives to what they believe. If not, it may break their mind and cause them to go on a semi maniacal trip to the ends of the world chasing down an imaginary creature. Note, I definitely do not speak from experience. And on said imaginary trip around the world they may learn random things and languages, which is cool, but they also may learn about war, terrible war, or starvation, or any number of things. And when they return from said (definitely imaginary) trip around the world first among other things a child is exposed to we have society, what a wonderful teacher. Now society may not be bad as a whole, it takes care of its members; makes you pay taxes; dislikes outsiders; has inequality, corruption, large scale conflict, global crisis…

Maybe not the best influence on second thoughts. And the thing is, you never know what specific effects society may have. Discrimination may drive poeple to murder, or it might guide people to being normal and socially accepted. But what is normal? Normal can be looking normal, or having the correct personality, or any number of things, it's extremely subjective. Black lips may be atypical...unless you're a goth….or just wear lipstick. And maybe being 8 foot tall is weird as well… or maybe it is..I don't really have anything to counter that. However, isn't it cool to be the tallest human? I certainly think so. So clearly, normal is hard to define.For this reason, join me on this giant train of circular reasoning, because isn't it normal to be abnormal which would make it abnormal to be normal which would make it normal to be abnormal, etc. And yet the level of discrimination for not being normal is incredible. The easy solution: yeetus the fetus. Do it now. The ethical and "normal" solution may or may not be perseverance, but since when did you listen to ethics while judging absolutely everyone based on their appearances and initial impressions?

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Parents and Children
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." We've all heard that phrase. But what does it mean? Literally, it means gravity exists, and apples fall. But metaphorically, we, the apples, are all in some ways extremely similar to our parents, the figurative trees. So it stands to reason that problems that a parent has might be passed on to the child, and not just genetic problems. For example, if you as a parent happen to be ignorant in your pride of wisdom, maybe they will be too. Or they may not be. Maybe don't just say they are ignorant when you may be equally ignorant. No matter how hard soul searching to find them is, bad traits do have to exist and they also have to come from somewhere. And speaking of problems with the parents, definitely project onto your child. If you would steal candy from a baby, they definitely would as well. Except for the fun little bit of information that they are a baby. And they most certainly would also run their car into someone's bumper and then leave. Except they can't drive. So, however similar or different or problematic a child may be, they are not entirely to blame for it.

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Expectations
We all have expectations. You expect yourself to do well at work or to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe you expect yourself to get straight A's. But that does not mean your expectations for your child should match, because they are fundamentally a different person. Maybe they don't understand things as well as you do, or they don't have enough time. Maybe you expect them to marry their cousin, in which case, I must remind you, incest. It is unreasonable to hold them to your standards or wishes. I don't know what kind of weird stuff you like if you want to marry your cousin, but they probably (almost certainly) don't. Instead let them set their own expectations, and weddings. Maybe they are not too good for a B, or maybe they are, but let them decide, so they don't grow up thinking they should marry their cousin and then normalize it. It's historically not awesome, and may lead to god complexes and largely unnecessary voyages to the end of the earth, ending in Iowa of all places. It also may cause pneumonia and death. In short, just don't.

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In the end, I would say there are many wrong ways to raise a child. Those are fairly easy to pinpoint, or to caution against, but it's hard to know the right way. So it really is up to you, but maybe read the paragraphs above to get a good idea of what not to do.