Writing Catalog

Mary Decker

Grade: 12

Mayfield High School

Instructor: Kari Beery

The Toilet Bowl


The Toilet Bowl

Parts of me lay scattered in the bowl.
I've thrown up my pride
Yacked out my confidence
And vomited upon reputation
A single moment has altered my identity
I try to refuse it, ignore it as long as possible,
To my mind, it returns,
I throw myself against walls
Open moving car doors
Attempt to run away
To my dismay
My bones hold strong
The seatbelt refuses to unbuckle
And someone discovers me once more
I continue trying to uncage the beast that now hibernates in my chest
At each attempt, a foreboding figure, failure,
Mockingly declares its return
Stuck living in a broken corpse
The creature rattles in my chest
It will make you stronger, they say,
I wish it wouldn't
I'd prefer to be weak and content
average and unchanged
I was not weak before
Or else I would not have made it this far
I wish I hadn't
So why become stronger
I dare you to tell me this is necessary
My heart sinks in my waking moments'
My chest rattles throughout the day
My strength is distinguished at nightfall
I know,
It's not fair, they say
You're not helping, I say
I am sick
Words do not cure disease
They simply worsen the pain
They simply confirm what I fear has happened to me
Night after night
Slumped in the bathroom
It's temporary, they tell me
But behind closed doors
Retching over the bowl
I flush the few remnants of my faith away
And as I stand up to exit
I catch my breath
I am not a wreck in this moment
Though I am far from cured
My thoughts have simply shifted venues
But the worst has found refuge in the back of my mind
And at times that should seem blissful,
the beast rises from its slumber
I am gut-wrenched once more
In utter disbelief, yet again
Sincere happiness is nothing but foreign
I go out, I laugh,
I realize
This laugh
Is not the same laugh
That used to consume me
That grasped my once beautiful, blissful existence
For now, nothing good may consume me entirely
This laugh
Is a new laugh
A veil for the time-being
Or much, much longer
I now realize, this illness
It is terminal.