Lorelei Sullivan

Grade: 11

iSTEM Geauga Early College High School

Instructor: Glenn Bailey Jr

My Emotions Almost Killed Me

Personal Essay & Memoir

My Emotions Almost Killed Me

In second grade I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and was put in therapy and have been in it off and on since. In the middle of second grade, I started being bullied by people who I thought were friends. I was continuously bullied until 6th grade when I left the school. Then, in fourth grade, I was having trouble with social interactions and friends. I got diagnosed with clinical depression and was put on medication to help. It had also been realized that I had severe anxiety, but I wasn't being prescribed any medication for it. Since then, I have been on different medications for each.

Due to social issues, I was taken out of in-person schooling in sixth grade and was homeschooled by my mom for four months. Then, I went to Willo Christian Academy. I left the school after two days due to extreme anxiety. After struggling to find another school in the middle of the school year, I went into Connections Academy, an online school where I stayed until ninth grade. After the initial panic attacks over being back in an in-person school, everything went well for the most part. Finally, everything was fine and under control until January 2021.

I had recently joined the social media platform Discord in an attempt to make friends. I didn't have much luck at first and started cutting in January to relieve myself of the emotions I couldn't release any other way. I didn't want to be cutting, but it felt like the only way I could express my emotions and deal with my depression. I cut on and off until May.

In May, I took a step back in my friendship with a more toxic friend, hoping this would solve the problem. I then told my boyfriend, mom, and friends what I had been doing. Immediately my mom put me into therapy in hopes to find the problem and fix it. I was clean for three months but started again when school started in the middle of August.

At the start of September, I started doing sexual roleplays; a futile attempt to release the emotions that cutting couldn't once and for all. This only led me further down the path of depression; resulting in more cutting. During this time, I had zero self-esteem. I felt I was worthless. I contemplated suicide as a way out but I didn't really have a plan. Around the middle of September, I was suicidal and had come up with a plan to end my life. Everyone around me started to notice a change in my demeanor and tried to figure out the problem.

I remember just walking past a window at Lakeland in early October, contemplating whether I should throw myself out of it. I continued the sexual roleplays and cutting until my mom caught me doing a sexual roleplay on October 12th. One of the two main things I remember from that night is standing over the trash can feeling like I was going to vomit saying, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna kill myself," over and over again. The second thing was the look of fear in my mom's eyes when I told her I had a plan to kill myself. The next day, I went to school as if everything was normal. I knew I was never going to come back to Geauga, so I had to tell my boyfriend goodbye. I chose the fourth block. I arrived at Geauga from Lakeland at 12:20, 45 minutes before my last class of the day started. I told the teacher, Mrs. Lark, that I was going to be late for class because I had something to do. I headed down to the study hall room and waited for fourth block. Finally, fourth block rolled around and I sat down at a table with my boyfriend.

I pulled out my notebook and wrote, "Alex, I am never coming back to Geauga. There is also something else you should know, I'm suicidal." After looking at this, he wrote back, "Well, you have two options, come with me to Mrs. Hart's office now or go to Mrs. Hart's office on your own." Alex ended up literally dragging me to her office. We sat down on the couch together and I answered questions as Mrs. Hart asked them. After the questions, she told me she had to call my mom and have her come to the school to discuss the course of action. Against my will, Alex decided to leave, because of past tension between my mom and him.

My mom arrived at the school and Mrs. Hart set up an online in-take meeting with Lifepoint. In the end, it was up to me whether I wanted to be sent to Lifepoint. They highly recommended that I did, so I decided I would. Crying, I hugged Mrs. Hart and asked her to tell my friends where I was and that I was safe. I left the school and was driven to Lifepoint by my mom. We walked inside and completed all of the intake forms; now it was time for me to head back. I had to take off my dragon necklace, which I gave to my mom. I regret not giving her my mask and my bracelet from Alex. After being taken back, I was admitted under the premises of "suicidal thoughts and tendencies and self-harm."

No matter how many books you read describing mental hospitals, it never actually gives you the full view of what occurs while you are there. For me, the first two days were easy. I appeared happy and actively participated in all of the group therapy sessions. The third day rolled around and I felt this feeling of total helplessness. It was Saturday, and it was very hard to cheer myself up; especially after I found out my roommate was leaving. That night as I lay in my room alone, I thought I would die from depression.

However, the next day, I got a new roommate, whom I made friends with. I made friends with almost everyone in the wing and was released after six days. This has been a very valuable experience for me and I don't regret going there. I am glad I realized that I couldn't get better without the help of others; and that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength.