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Sofia Dewey

Grade: 11

Hathaway Brown School

Instructor: Scott Parsons

Faith and Pessimism: An Oxymoronic Memoir

Poetry

Faith and Pessimism: An Oxymoronic Memoir

i am putting my faith in the universe.
how ironic: the angsty teenage nihilist is so desperate
she has reached inside herself
and pulled out a bloodied handful
of faith.

i am putting my faith in the universe because
i have nowhere else to dispose of it:
i cannot shake my hands free
until it has dug a hole in my nearest artery
and planted its roots, hoping in vain to bring me
some sort of disorganized peace.

it is in the moments after the beautiful boy
has hugged me goodbye and looked at me
for far too long, when he has waved from the parking space
that looks about a football field away from me
and after he has gotten into his car and left.
it is in that moment that i curse myself,
shouting for what seems like the very first time in my life:
i did not kiss the beautiful boy.

i think it is unfair.
i will blame the skies and the seas,
i will war at the thought that i was not enough for him
to risk his politeness, to throw our caution to the wind
and ignore the unspoken yes, i will wait for you.

i have never been in love.
the thought of it- obsessive, constant, neverending-
makes my teeth hurt.
i have never been in love, and the air around me fizzles and laughs.
like calypso and her heroes.
i suppose they sent the beautiful boy to me, for two months,
and now i am putting my faith in the universe.